Decisions

I don't like to give up. Never have. It isn't even a matter of practicality. Basically, I've always been the kind of person who'd rather fight than switch. My longevity at what has become my major effort in the SCA will reach 25 years this October. It's not just that I was there at the beginning (which I was, quite literally), but also that many times over the intervening years I was just too stubborn to quit. Much more stubborn than others.

Strangely enough, I've reached the end now, right at the end of that quarter century. It's complicated, and I'm certainly not going to write about the whole business elaborately here. But suffice to say that it got to the point where I threatened to join a walkout, and finally the moment came where the threat had to be carried out, when promises had to be kept.

Tonight, I did what had to be done, and I feel somewhat sick. It doesn't seem as though it can really have happened at long last. How can I have allowed them to drive me out?

But promises have to be kept.

The reader who knows what I'm talking about may be wondering - what about that function I've been talking about here on the blog? Oh, I'm still doing that, because that promise has to be kept, too. Asssuming the function is still wanted, we'll go right ahead with that as though nothing is wrong.

But something is very much wrong.

I'm not one of those SCA members who goes on and on about honor. When someone starts going on about "My honor!" I generally roll my eyes. And yet, some things are dishonorable, and one does not wish to be associated with them. Really, one cannot. Perhaps I waited too long to cast down my gauntlet on this matter, and perhaps then I fought too long after it was clear I could not effect a solution at just this moment.

The first I will always regret, and the second I will never regret. Truly, I would cheerfully go on fighting, because that's pretty much me, but I said I would do something, and now I must, because my allies are ready. Can't really wait until October, no matter what else I agreed to do. So now an awkward straddle while the clock runs out.

Well, nothing is forever, right? Not 25 years - I could never have imagined that in October of 1982! - and not the present circumstances, either.

Things change, and I am patient. My honor is intact, I think. It will suffice for now, and the wilderness may hold new challenges. I have a defunct household, I seem to recall...